You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
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I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Dumple
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Natty or not?
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|