@MisterBombay

You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?

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@carlyken

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.

@donni

Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.

@kdn13

If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.

@1Happytwit

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

@1Happytwit

I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.

@XplodingUnicorn

I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.

@EllaZee5

God: let there be light!

vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now

@staticmess

I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.

@bazecraze

You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.

@weinerdog4life

Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.