You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
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If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”