me, after any kind of buffet.
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MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May