me, after any kind of buffet.
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She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
describing stardew valley
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him