A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
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I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
This January has 47 Mondays
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.