Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
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I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
*bites zombie*
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio