@dire_beard

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly

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@WeekendTwitr

Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…

@murrman5

[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite

@simoncholland

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

@ddsmidt

From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”

That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.

@Darlainky

I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.

@Dad_At_Law

Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.

@Elizasoul80

What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.

@ThisLocalHater

One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police