boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
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Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷