It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
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My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.