[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
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I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.