“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
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Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
#NeverForget
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.