the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
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Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
This one’s “Alex”.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges