“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
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So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.