Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
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When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Knock Knock
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
the saddest jazz hands ever
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.