The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
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15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key