[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
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fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Peace was never an option
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.