fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
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Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Smile Twitter, Smile.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs