I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude

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There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.


“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”

“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”

“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”


News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.

Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*


Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!


Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal


My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.


My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.


My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.


Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.