Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
You Might Also Like
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.