Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
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Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
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[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming