Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
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chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.