oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
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Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Woke up against my better judgement again
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.