She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
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Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Y’all know who you are.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
I have two kinds of followers
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.