Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
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The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
We decided to have money instead of children.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*