Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
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Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus