Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God created women and the devil taught her to smile.

This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.

It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.

Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.

DIE HARD (1988)

Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.

The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!

me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?

5:

me:

5: we say thank you

My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆

Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: job interviews mostly

Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵

Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*

This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.

Boom! Zing! This is free content!

I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin

if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo

Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!

My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.

Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.

[birthday party]

*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*

me: *dejectedly puts down fork*

I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]

I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.

My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine

Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.

I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks

[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]

You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel

5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?

Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’

Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’