Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.![]()
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Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Boy never ceases to amaze me
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I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
I’m not stressed
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I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
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me
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I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…