When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
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14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
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[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”![]()
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.