Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
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I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.