The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
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Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding