Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
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[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
I love snow
– People who never shovel
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin