one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
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When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.