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“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
At least try to make it slightly believable
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok