You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
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bury ourselves
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Mission: Impossible
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.