36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
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Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
u spoke cat all this time??????
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.