She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
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Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.