She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
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They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Proofread twice, hang posters once
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
all that yoga finally paid off
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.