Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
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HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
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Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?