Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
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I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
schrodinger: ignore that
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
When I can’t barge, I careen.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*