Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
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[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.