Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
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Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
I want to meet the individual who made this
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
2022: I can fix it
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Here’s a meme
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.