you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
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The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that: