you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
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Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?