Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
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Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
sleeping beauty
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!