[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
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Squirrel having fun.. 😅
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse