Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
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I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
lost dog
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.