[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
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My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
This raises questions
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.