My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
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IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Pass gas, not judgment.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
🔦🌙👣
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?