8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
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[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?