Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
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bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
what’s really going on
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.