Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
You Might Also Like
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.