Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
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[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix