14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
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[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
incredible text to wake up to
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
i will not be silenced
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.