i will not be silenced
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Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.