Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
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My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
decorating my apartment
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.