[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
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Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist