Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
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My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Go girl power!
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
calling in to work dehydrated
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
#MeanwhileInCanada